So Fludarabine didn't cause an problems for me. I grew maybe a tad bit more tired than I already was but nothing too serious. Cytoxin is what messed me up. Even the name of it sounds evil. It is evil. It made me black out and unable to breathe. When the episode of shaking and blackness died down I felt like satan was eating my soul. I felt completely dead inside. I didn't feel like myself, I felt like they had fried my brain and I wasn't the same person that I had once been. This of course was not true. Then next day I was pre-medicated so that those reactions wouldn't happen. I still felt dead inside but I didn't react horribly.
Everything else after Cytoxin does and is sucking. Now I get ATG, rabbit cells. Those are causing horrific reactions as well. Makes you feel like you would rather be dead, it would be so much easier if you were dead because of how terrible these reactions are. My heart was about to blow. not actually but I felt that way. Everything was blurry and was a hard task to grasp. Vomiting as well, but I think I expected that one the most. Chemo is known for vomit and baldness. At this point my cell lines are extremely depleted. My white count is the lowest it has every been, 0. My ANC is 0 but that's been 0 for months now. I need to get platelet transfusions everyday because the ATG kills them off rapidly. I also have gotten three bags of red cells this week, and those take about 3 hours each to infuse. The ATG alone takes 6 hours to infuse. They are truly pushing my body to it's limits. It cool to me that I get to experience this life. I love experience.
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April 2017
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