I've accomplished nothing in such a long time. Since being home from the hospital I just don't feel like doing anything productive, I lay around my house and stare at social media which is both mind numbing and disappointing. I have just been through what could possibly be the most challenging event in my life, so many emotions went into the transplant and now it's over. Everything moved so fast it's hard to fathom that I actually went through it all. If I didn't have my prednisone moon face and bald head glaring back at me in the mirror everyday I don't know if I would believe I actually did go through it all. I deserve a break, to just rest. The calm after the storm. I just took too long of a break and realized that my life now consists of sitting in my house, going for occasional car rides but never inside facilities because of isolation, and visiting my doctors twice a week. It's so very boring, it's like I am stuck in this place of being bald and unattractive. That's such a shallow thing to say, or even feel considering how strong I am, I shouldn't care what I look like. But at the end of the day when all of my supporters are asleep and my brothers are drifting into sweet dreams I lie awake, staring at my ceiling. And I don't feel strong, I feel pathetic. I feel pathetic for not utilizing this time to write my book or write music. Work out even! I was so content with myself before all of this happened and now I am disgusted with myself. I'm sure I will figure out a way to deal with it but until that time comes I am going to drown myself in homework. It's so hard to start but once I have started it, It's nearly impossible to get me to stop unless the assignment is complete. So I think Beck said it best, speaking for all of us at some point in our lives.
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April 2017
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